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Five Reasons Why Talk Is Essential to Relationships
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
In the eighth edition of my textbook,
Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2007), I list the importance of talk
under the heading “Essential Elements of Good Relationships.” There it is
listed as the first of eight elements (verbal skills, emotional
expressiveness, conversational focus, nonverbal analysis, conversational
encouragement, care and appreciation, commitment, and adaptation); however,
it is part of each of the other seven for without it, none of the other
seven can take place.
One of the often-heard complaints that women express about their
relationship partner revolves around the “he won’t talk” problem: “He just
won’t open up,” or “He doesn’t communicate,” or “He never expresses his
feelings,” or “He never acts like he’s listening,” or “He doesn’t respond to
me when I talk to him.” Whether one classifies it as a gender bias or not,
it is, essentially, a male problem: Women talk, men don’t!
Rather than examine both the genetic and social conditions that lead males
to be less than verbally fluent in relationships, let’s leave it with the
fact that male evolution (whether it is their cultural history or their
personal background) tends to render them speechless! By avoiding these
issues, we can focus on the importance of talk in relationships. There are
five reasons.
First, we need to look at the importance of talk in reducing conflicts. A
number of young couples pride themselves on never having a conflict. Instead
of it being a matter of pride, it should be a red flag waving wildly to get
attention. With no conflict couples have established no prodical for dealing
with it, and there is no way to predict what will happen when it occurs, and
it will occur! How will the partners react? Do they ignore it? Do they talk
it out at once? How upset do they become? Do they wait until tempers have
subsided, and it can be dealt with in a rational, constructive manner? Are
partners willing to listen to each other? Will they talk openly and honestly
to reach a solution that is agreeable to both, or will one partner insist he
or she is right and bully the other to get his or her way? Talk that happens
during conflicts is different than talk that occurs daily because it takes
place in emotionally charged circumstances, and when guided by intense
emotion it becomes less predictable and more volatile.
Second, talk is part of the responsibility — the duty — of lovers and
partners. Why is it a “duty”? Because it is part of the commitment that
partners make to each other when they agree to form a relationship, and it
has enormous importance. Talk acknowledges the existence of the other person
and gives him or her a sense of self. When your partner has spoken to you,
you need to acknowledge that with more than simply a grunt or a sigh. “I
agree,” or “I see what you mean,” or “Yes, I think that is an excellent
observation,” are some methods of acknowledgment. And when a partner is
talking, he or she needs some recognition every few seconds that you are
awake, alive, interested, and paying attention. The best recognition, of
course, is for you to turn and face him or her directly, put down the
newspaper, remote, or turn away from your monitor, look him or her in the
eye, and nod, say yes or no, and release a noise of encouragement (hmmm, or
oh), as the conversation proceeds.
When you feel you are not being listened to, you feel like a piece of
furniture. Being ignored is a denial of your value. Spirit is crushed.
Third, we need to understand the importance of listening as part of the
“talk process.” The problem with effective listening is the time it takes to
hear the other person out. Men — especially men — short circuit the
communication process by interrupting, anticipating what the other person is
going to say, giving advice, trying to quickly solve a problem to avoid
further conversation, or completing his or her thoughts. Unqualified,
complete listening is what allows one spouse to understand the other
spouse’s perspective on things. What is often misunderstood when a person is
cut off, is how it affects perceptions of caring and appreciation. Effective
listening is one of the best ways to physically demonstrate caring and
appreciating. Other ways are to give compliments and self-disclose.
Fourth, talk is important for keeping track of relationships. They evolve,
partners change, and surprising and unexpected occurrences affect
relationships (for better or worse), and the fact is that a relationship, at
any single point in time, is different than it was at any point in the past.
Communication is a tool for learning how to adapt. It is a typical “man
thing” to think that once the chase is over and a bonding experience has
taken place (e.g., marriage), that a relationship becomes solid, strong,
secure, and safe. Nothing more needs to be done since it is now permanent,
and permanence conveys a level of reliability and dependability.
Unfortunately, this is not true.
Partners need to speak, listen, and negotiate not just to stay on course,
but to know from day-to-day and week-to-week just what that course is.
“After years of research,” says one writer on relationships, “it turns out
that what makes for highly adaptive people is their capacity to adapt.” When
one partner says to the other, “You know, you are not the same person I
married,” that is a good thing not bad; however, if the relationship is
characterized by active, ongoing, engaging talk all along, one partner will
surely know that the other person is no longer the same and why such changes
are not just important but essential. Growth is what keeps partners and
relationships active, exciting, and vibrant. The opposite of growth is
staleness, lethargy, stagnation—and, perhaps, death.
The fifth reason why talk is important is that it keeps relationship
partners involved with each other. Talk is healthy and productive. In
addition, it is friendly, loving, kind, and fun. That doesn’t mean there
can’t be silences, but without active communication, silences tend to be
boring, unhelpful, destructive, and potentially threatening. Talk needs
purpose and direction, of course, or it can become rambling, chattering, or
babbling about meaningless trivia. When used simply to fill silences, it
becomes pointless, aimless, empty, and inconsequential.
Relationship partners must remember that the purpose of conversations is not
to agree with each other — although that may be a positive and welcomed
outcome — it is to learn from each other on both an intellectual and
emotional level. Good talking, too, can lead to good sex since flirting,
holding hands, and seducing are all part of communication-oriented foreplay.
For partners to continue in a relationship, they must find mutually
beneficial ways of communicating.
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Five Reasons Why Talk Is Essential to Relationships
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Relationship Luck Takes Hard Work
Relationship Luck Takes Hard Work
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
Thousands of couples planned to wed on
July 7, 2007, because they believed that date would result in wedded bliss —
“lucky sevens” they thought. But, what effect does luck have on
relationships?
For this essay I depend on the research of Professor Richard Wiseman of the
University of Hertfordshire who studied “luck” for more than ten years. I
have avoided using quotation marks, however, I depend on his article, “The
loser’s guide to getting lucky” (sponsored on the Web by BBC News) for the
information in this essay.
Based on his monitoring of their lives, interviews he conducted, and
experiments, Wiseman discovered that the thoughts and behavior of
individuals is responsible for much of their good and bad fortune. For
example, based on an experiment he conducted, he found that lucky people
notice and respond to more opportunities than unlucky people. Unlucky people
are generally more tense than lucky people, and it is their anxiety that
disrupts their ability to notice the unexpected. They will go to a party
intent on finding the perfect partner and miss opportunities to make good
friends, or they will search through a newspaper determined to find a
certain kind of job advertisement and miss other types of jobs.
Because lucky people tend to be more relaxed and open, they see what is
there rather than just what they are looking for. This can have enormous
benefits in relationships simply because of synergy—the combined effect of
two people that produces results different from those that occur when acting
alone. It is just such effects that are often unprecedented, frequently
unpredictable, generally variable, and yet—for relationships—exceptional and
unique. Lucky people, according to the research Wiseman conducted, are
skilled at creating and noticing just such chance opportunities. It should
be clear that it isn’t luck that comes from outside the relationship—like
getting married on a special date—it is luck that occurs because one partner
or the other possesses characteristics that favor luck—it’s their thoughts
and behaviors.
But what about people who tend to be unlucky? Is there any help for them?
The answer Wiseman gives offers hope. When he asked a group of volunteers to
spend a month carrying out exercises designed to help them think and behave
like a lucky person—spotting chance opportunities, listening to their
intuition, expecting to be lucky, and being more resilient to bad luck—80%
of the volunteers became happier, more satisfied with their lives, and, most
important of all, they were luckier—and all this, just one month later.
There are four tips, according to Wiseman, for becoming lucky, and all four
can be applied to relationships.
First, listen to your gut instincts. Wiseman says they are normally right.
It’s a matter of trusting your intuition. In a relationship, begin by
believing that the chemistry that brought the two of you together is
correct. Because you feel your gut reaction to this person is accurate, use
that as a foundation. For example, believe that this person has every
intention of making this relationship work, and they are willing to grow and
change along with you. Trust them. Don’t doubt them. Allow this positive
foundation to eliminate all indecision, suspicion, insecurity, uncertainty,
vacillation, and hesitancy.
Second, be open to new experiences and breaking your normal routine. In
today’s world so many people rush hectically around, strive to get work
done, complete errands, and fill their time by running here and there. You
need to slow down and notice what is happening around you. Because you know
you have found the love of your life—no doubts, no vacillation (see the
first tip, above)—you need to practice paying attention to what is right in
front of you. If you pay attention you will not only be surprised by the
experiences, contacts, events, happenings, and adventures you will
encounter, but you will be able to take advantage of the people and things
that will help keep your relationship stimulating, fresh, and alive.
Third, spend a few moments each day remembering things that went well. Dwell
on the positive. When you spend some time every day thinking of the good
things about your relationship partner, your relationship, and yourself—even
when these things are small or silly (like something you said that made the
other person feel good, or an e-mail message that brought the two of you
closer together, or your weird sense of humor)—it is these things that are
associated with being happy. When you are happy, you are relaxed and
attractive to others. You reflect a smiling, warm confidence that supplies
the glue that holds relationships together.
Fourth, visualize yourself being lucky. Luck can be a self-fulfilling
prophecy. Your relationship success depends upon communication, intimacy,
relating, compromise, negotiation, and understanding. Since both sexes are
equally able to perform the tasks required to make the relationship work,
neither has to depend on the other for these abilities. If you believe you
have the ability, your actions will not only be positive, but they will
reveal that you actually have the ability to make your relationship work.
So, for those who chose to marry on July 7, 2007, because it had the
potential of bringing them triple the amount of luck for wedded bliss, I
leave them the following suggestions. Let your luck motivate you to pay
attention and plan carefully. First, pay attention to everything around you
so you can take advantage of all opportunities to make life better for your
relationship and your relationship partner. Second, plan not just for today
but for years ahead. Plan to make time for yourself, for your partner, and
to enhance your relationship. Save money every week to assure financial
security. Because there is always an element of chance in life, you need to
capitalize on that chance to make life more rewarding, challenging, and
exciting. If luck is truly the confluence of preparation and opportunity,
then it is easy not just to understand but to support what Thomas Jefferson
said: “I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more
I have it.”
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Five Reasons Why Talk Is Essential to Relationships
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Relationship Luck Takes Hard Work
